Out of the Shadows
La Meridiana, Villa Borghese, Rome - Courtesy of Ágatha Depiné
Greetings! Yesterday, October 11, was National Coming Out Day. It's an opportunity for those who identify privately as members of the LGBTQ+ spectrum to consider broadening the circle of awareness of their sexuality from one (themselves) or a few confidants, to as many family members and acquaintances as they feel compelled to notify. Those who are consistently in the public view, or who wish to take an activist stance, may even choose to make their revelation widely public. It is a moment of supreme importance for those who make the leap of faith, and a great leap it is.
The questions are often asked "What's the big deal?" and "Why make such a fuss and get in everybody's face about this?". Well, what could be more vital than one's identity and one's truth? Every human being needs to belong somewhere, to some tribe, to a history, a faith/philosophy and traditions. These are the things that connect us, which color our experiences and personalities, and give life meaning. Sexuality is a significant part of our identities, in how it connects us to others, establishing the most intimate, beautiful and potentially vital relationships we experience. In a social sense, for heterosexuals that aspect of their identities comes ready-made; it's assumed from birth, considered "natural", is actively encouraged and even "sanctified". Not so for gay, lesbian, bisexual and other queer folks.
For centuries those whose desires are not "hetero-normative" have been labeled unnatural freaks, mentally ill, sexually deviant and sin-loving "abominations in the sight of God". As such they have been feared, hated, ostracized and persecuted. All manner of "punishments" have been decreed and encoded, including imprisonment and execution. The history is quite horrifying, whether it recounts officially sanctioned persecution or countless informal judgements handed down in school yards, tavern parking lots and back alleys. For those in my generation, the most heinous example was the murder of Matthew Sheppard by two homophobic young men, a tragedy which helped inspire a sea-change in American public opinion regarding gay rights. Overall, we have a long history of oppression brightened by only a few steps on the road toward progress.
But this is the year 2022 and it seems that this far into the 21st century we ought by now to have pretty much wrapped up the work on enshrining human rights, including queer rights. Nope, it has not come to pass. Despite the solid gains we made during the Obama years, bigotry still breathes strongly enough throughout some significant segments of our society, that the cause has once again lost some ground politically and therefore legally. The rights-minded are holding our collective breath as even elements in the Supreme Court have hinted at an activist desire to turn back the clock on the issue. And horrifying incidents of hate crimes persist, including the epidemic of murders of trans women. One victim was a beloved trans woman in my own community. Perhaps worst of all, the executions of two gay men and sentencing of two activists to death which occurred in Iran this year. Take a moment to reflect on this: hanging two men for the "capital crime" of being gay, and the sentencing of two women for human rights activism on orders of their own government.
What's needed in winning the struggle for human rights, is the attainment of critical mass among the Out and the affirming allies. It feels like we're so close to the tipping point beyond which no one can force a course reversal. The estimates place current American support for LGBTQ+ liberties at around seventy percent. In U.S. society that margin is huge, but the intolerant can still cause a lot of trouble when they stack the school board, legislatures and courts with haters. In Cuba protections for same-sex expression and gay marriage were established as national law and elsewhere progress has been made. How does your coming out help in the fight? Well, simply by a collective show of numbers of queer folks in our societies, an honest accounting. It helps with the "normalization" of all things non-hetero in the human psyche. Sorry, of course all of the colors on the sex and gender spectrums are normal.... don't let me suggest otherwise.... but perception has to catch up with reality and become universal. What progress we've made has been made on the backs of activists who fought all these years to establish the acceptance that "We're here, we're real, we're many and we're legit! We're also human beings." That critical visibility has been established on a more or less global scale but the warriors can always use more help.
On an individual level, the beautiful, nascent sexuality of untold generations of youths has met with crushing intolerance and ignorance, crippling them emotionally with fear, shame, confusion and loneliness. What should have been a magical, thrilling time of discovery in the midst of all the awkwardness and angst of adolescence became for boys and girls, young men and women, a journey into isolation, anxiety and depression. They learned to suppress their natural feelings and identities, hiding in plain sight, smiling through the pain, or not even bothering. Some, quite often those who failed to disguise themselves well enough to avoid the surveillance of school bullies, paid with their lives when the hurt became too much. Many carried the burden on into adulthood, into middle-age and beyond, never divulging their truth to anyone. Many opened up to loved ones when the half-existence overwhelmed them, only to spark painful or even disastrous conflicts. We cannot deny the very essence of ourselves forever. The price is too high.
My best friend's story is like that. It began with the sudden discovery in youth that he's wired a bit differently. When he unpacked his magical box of adolescent desire, he found that the contents were not quite as described. Girls, yes, but.... guys too? Apparently yes! Like so many in our generation he didn't talk about it. Didn't want the ugly labels, the ridicule or fighting off the bigots all through high school. He lived in a family which would never in a million years understand nor accept. About the only queer icon we had back in the day was Billy Crystal's "Jodie" from the nighttime comedy "Soap", a pioneering role for sure, but a cliché. Gordon was left pretty much on his own, to navigate it all and to keep it well hidden. Puzzling and hiding it, like so many men, for decades. And then the hiding and denying got to be too much. He asked questions and sought reassurance until he could confidently say "This is who I am and I'm sure as heck not the only one, and I'm okay with it!". But would everybody else be cool with it, those he cared about and those whose respect he valued?
The giant step was to walk out of the shadows, to shrug off the invisibility cloak he had always hated, to be known and to fully own his truth and his identity. To hide it is not to own it. Yet it's a terrifying prospect, this big reveal. My love and support, and his wife's, were unquestionable, but there were so many other important relationships to consider. Nobody likes the thought of sacrificing friendships and familial ties, nor to see respect and good will evaporate in the face of their bid for empowerment. You can imagine his finger poised above his mouse button; deep breath held, eyes squeezed shut. He did it, took that running leap off the cliff, and the love and respect he received after clicking SEND were really quite surprising. The response was overwhelmingly positive, and it's been pretty awesome to watch him take hold of his truth and run with it, confidently OUT and definitely proud. He's been such an inspiration to me and to others.
Of course, coming out doesn't go so well for everybody, and often the response is underwhelming, disheartening or even downright hostile. In those cases, the brave leaper is "rewarded" with massive disappointment and even greater loneliness. The antidote for these afflictions comes in the form of allies and the easier they are to find the better. Many towns have LGBTQ+ support groups where people meet to offer comfort and encouragement. We are blessed in the Internet age with easy access to any number of social clubs and they can be as private or as public as you like. The larger and more visible the queer communities, the easier to find, the more assurance the seeker can find there.
Coming out is about as intensely personal as a choice can be. It can only happen if, when and how the individual decides. Upon coming to terms with one's sexuality some "go public" straight out of the gate, some may take years, some may choose to keep it close and private forever. But really, no one should have to come to terms with their sexuality at all. It shouldn't be necessary and, ironically, perhaps the most compelling reason for as many as possible to take that courageous step, is so that eventually, no one will have to. The entire purpose of the LGBTQ+ rights movement's "in your face" crusade has been to foster a society where everyone is free to live their lives in the peaceful pursuit of happiness, where no one is unfairly scrutinized, persecuted or excluded by virtue of their sexual or gender identity. Meanwhile, everyone who chooses to openly acknowledge their own unique beauty, sexual or gender included, becomes another of the many beacons, the open hands stretched into the shadows to offer the way OUT to those who hide there.
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